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AidanGillenOneAndOnly: How to say this...

xof1013:

The days leading up to Xmas and New Years are hitting us terribly.  The ticking clock of whether we will be homeless come Jan or Feb or March is a very real thing - and that kills me.  It kills me that I have a college degree, and I’m in this situation.  It kills me that I was highly reviewed and loyal to my employers / co-workers for over 14 years, and I’m in this situation.  It kills me that I have no safety cushion, no partner to help with this when things get worse.  

And it does consistently get worse… 

It more than kills me that I have also put my disabled mother in this desperate situation with me.  She is almost 75, and I am all she has in this world to rely on. That is a failing that aches so badly, it’s like a physical pain that I carry every day.

I have never done a single act of deliberate cruelty to another person.  I have never plotted against anyone.  I have never set out to sabotage or do wrong by another.  Whenever possible, I have tried to give my time and help to others when they needed it.  In fandom and in real life…  Online and off.  If there were any karma points for striving to be a good person, you’d think that would count for something, right?

What I’m left with in all this is that I have to do what I can, while I can…  I can apply for the 537th job, and have… (Yes, you read that number right.)  But until one person says yes, instead of no - or more likely, ignores the application altogether in favor of another applicant, a friend or a family member - I have to ask for help.  Even in the face of being targeted, again, by cowardly anonymous bullies online.

I’ve been criticized for talking about the hard times that I and my family are having.  I’ve had private messages sent via lj and email slamming us both.  I’ve had tumblr cruelty spammed at me by more than one person.  More even, this week.  I’ve blocked and tried not let these hateful kicks drive me further down than I already am.  But my ability to do so grows weaker every day.

To those who have sent us well wishes - I am grateful for the kindness.  Please know, I attempted to keep this all separate from my online life.  (Who would want to publish their own humiliation?)  My unemployment for 2 1/2 years has been the worst experience of my 39 years.  But I remained silent for as long as I could, for over 18 months, before I said anything online here - until I had no other options.  

All this leaves me feeling as diminished as anyone else could have ever wished me to feel.

Posting this is difficult.  Posting any of this is embarrassing and leaves me feeling dejected, and so damn small.  I am sorry.  Sorry for putting it out there, and sorry for clouding up the online escapism of anyone who’s kind enough to read it.  But we need your help.  If anyone is able, please would you consider it?  Whether for the holidays, or because I may have done something to help entertain your fandom senses in the past.  Please know that we appreciate it, if you can.  It doesn’t matter how small - even the price of a meal missed or a movie delayed would help us right now.  It is that bad…  We are that much in need.

- - - 

image

The sales prices on the Aidan Gillen Collection are still in effect.  Will you take a look and see if there’s a great photo, playbill or magazine that you could use for your collections?  

Again - please, share the information about the AG sale if you will. These items are unique, and they are meant to be owned by fans who will treasure them, as I have. Twitter, Tumblr, etc.  It is incredibly satisfying to know that his fan-base has increased so much lately, esp given his work on Game of Thrones.  If there is a new fan out there, this would be a good opportunity for them to discover more about his early work.

Aidan Gillen Collection Sale - Main Post:  http://xof1013.livejournal.com/230726.html

Here’s the Tumblr page -http://xof1013.tumblr.com/post/32757861113/update-aidan-gillan-fan-collection-sale-sale  

- - - 

Despite having no luck in months there, my mom still has a few things up on ebay - and we have added her two most beloved art prints to the items.  She’s owned them for over ten years, but we are in no position to hold on to them, which makes me so sad for her.  Here’s the information for the items listed:

http://www.ebay.com/sch/i.html?_ipg&_from&_nkw&_armrs=1&_ssn=xofy&_sop=1

- - - 

Please Re-Blog if you would…  

If you are able to gift - we are xof1013 at gmail.com on paypal.

Thank you, so so so much…

May your holidays be the best they can be.  Wishing you every joy and continued hope.

x

Xof has done such an enormous amount in the Aidan fandom over the years and still maintains the wonderful Aidan Gillen community livejournal. I hope sincerely she has a change in luck in the new year, she deserves it. xxx

- - - 

Thank you for helping to share this with others.  Even in the face of hard times, I am so glad to know I’ve done something helpful for fellow fans.  Aidan Gillen and his work has always been a go-to source of happiness.  I’m grateful his fans have good hearts.  

The comments returned over night, but I’m trying to ignore the hate behind them.  Now is seriously NOT a moment where I am thick skinned.  

Aural Sects: I'm almost lost...

I truly, truly cannot fathom how someone could take these words, this pain, and actively try and make it WORSE.  Why would a person actively, consciously make an effort to send me hateful and cruel messages?   I’m hurt enough, as it is.  I feel badly, already.  Trust me when I say I’m already kicked while down.  Life’s doing a FINE JOB of being as harsh to us as anyone could hatefully desire.

How is doing this increasing your own joy or sense of worth?  It’s beyond anything I can understand. 

Block. Delete. 

- - -  

With such ugly, I do want to say thank you to Caly for reblogging. For trying to help.  It’s kindnesses like yours that helps me see past the darkness.  Thank you.  To you, and anyone who has tried to help by sharing this post.  hugs.

- - - 

xof1013:

The day has deteriorated so rapidly that I can’t stop shaking.  Crying.

My situation has worsened to the point where I am truly at a lost.  I don’t know what will happen, but every eventuality just seems one more level of bad and even worse.

I am still jobless.  Over 2 years.  The benefits are done. I apply left and right. Over 50 pages of applications (at 10 to 15 a page) made now in just the last year alone, and … nothing.  Interviews go well, but always, it’s not me they choose.  Despite the BA, and the 15+ year excellent job history.  Two states, five cities/towns that I’ve applied in.  I cannot move.  And now…

In very rapid succession, I am imminently about to lose my phone - the number on all my applications - and I cannot meet the rent at month’s end.  

I have tried, over and over, to sell things on ebay, craigslist, livejournal and in local shoppers.  Over and over, I just end up renewing the ad - no headway made.  

If no one wants it, it has no value.  That’s that it feels like.  The items I try to sell.  And me…  God, but it feels like that’s my tagline too.

With all this, I still try and hope that it’ll change for the better.  That something GOOD will happen for me.  For my mom, who’s disabled.  For us both.

The only moments of any happiness and sense of accomplishment I’ve had in the last year has been in my online attempts to help spread the word about the series, “Husbands”.  What so very little I could do, I have done to share the news, to garner the show interview time, to build up the viewers by word of mouth - all on an unprofessional, amateur level - but each success they had, any very small part I played - it felt so good.  It’s been the positive that I cling to…

So when Season 2 went live yesterday - I tried to come out of the quiet that I’ve been sinking into online.  I told myself that I would allow myself to be happy - as one great press article and interview after another hit.  

It’s been the biggest mix of gladness and guilt.  Guilt because as each day gets worse in real life, as we get closer and closer to the disaster that is pulling my strings with scissors poised to snip…  I feel like I don’t have a right to have the glad.  To feel good.  Because things are NOT good.

Little did I know that real life was just waiting to kick me and my family in the teeth as it did today.  Almost like a punishment for yesterday’s happiness.

My mother has had to go to multiple different doctors over the past three weeks.  Five appointments, tests, etc.  Today, she was told that something is wrong with her colon.  They are scheduling a colonoscopy, asap.  For next week.  

We are days from potentially being on the street.  And in the midst of it, she’s going through this. The damn test is on the last day of the month - such irony, because it’s becoming this ticking clock of doomsday.  And she’s so damn fearful, and thinks she’s going to die.  She’s talking funerals and is so angry.  And I am in tears, and rage.  

I need help.  I need SOMETHING, please God, something to happen that helps us, and doesn’t continue the slid of worse, worse, worse…

Dear heaven, universe, or anyone who can…  help, if you can.

Pray for us, if you pray.

If you’re an Aidan Gillen fan - please see if you can buy any of the Collection items I have left:  

http://xof1013.livejournal.com/226010.html 

If you go to Ebay - please see if any of these things are something you would buy:

http://www.ebay.com/sch/xofy/m.html?_nkw=&_armrs=1&_from=&_ipg=&_trksid=p3686

And if at all possible, in any way, if you could donate to helping me and my mom - I’m xof1013@gmail.com on paypal if you are able to gift.

I’m wretched in all this.  More than two years has worn me down.  I feel so much less of a person than I thought I was.  I haven’t got the right to feel embarrassed anymore about sharing this.  Or about asking.  It’s my only option at this point.  

I thank you, even if you can’t, for reading this.  For any kindness, I am grateful.  More than I can say…

And I’m so sorry.  I do not mean to cloud anyone’s day.  x

I’m almost lost…

The day has deteriorated so rapidly that I can’t stop shaking.  Crying.

My situation has worsened to the point where I am truly at a lost.  I don’t know what will happen, but every eventuality just seems one more level of bad and even worse.

I am still jobless.  Over 2 years.  The benefits are done. I apply left and right. Over 50 pages of applications (at 10 to 15 a page) made now in just the last year alone, and … nothing.  Interviews go well, but always, it’s not me they choose.  Despite the BA, and the 15+ year excellent job history.  Two states, five cities/towns that I’ve applied in.  I cannot move.  And now…

In very rapid succession, I am imminently about to lose my phone - the number on all my applications - and I cannot meet the rent at month’s end.  

I have tried, over and over, to sell things on ebay, craigslist, livejournal and in local shoppers.  Over and over, I just end up renewing the ad - no headway made.  

If no one wants it, it has no value.  That’s that it feels like.  The items I try to sell.  And me…  God, but it feels like that’s my tagline too.

With all this, I still try and hope that it’ll change for the better.  That something GOOD will happen for me.  For my mom, who’s disabled.  For us both.

The only moments of any happiness and sense of accomplishment I’ve had in the last year has been in my online attempts to help spread the word about the series, “Husbands”.  What so very little I could do, I have done to share the news, to garner the show interview time, to build up the viewers by word of mouth - all on an unprofessional, amateur level - but each success they had, any very small part I played - it felt so good.  It’s been the positive that I cling to…

So when Season 2 went live yesterday - I tried to come out of the quiet that I’ve been sinking into online.  I told myself that I would allow myself to be happy - as one great press article and interview after another hit.  

It’s been the biggest mix of gladness and guilt.  Guilt because as each day gets worse in real life, as we get closer and closer to the disaster that is pulling my strings with scissors poised to snip…  I feel like I don’t have a right to have the glad.  To feel good.  Because things are NOT good.

Little did I know that real life was just waiting to kick me and my family in the teeth as it did today.  Almost like a punishment for yesterday’s happiness.

My mother has had to go to multiple different doctors over the past three weeks.  Five appointments, tests, etc.  Today, she was told that something is wrong with her colon.  They are scheduling a colonoscopy, asap.  For next week.  

We are days from potentially being on the street.  And in the midst of it, she’s going through this. The damn test is on the last day of the month - such irony, because it’s becoming this ticking clock of doomsday.  And she’s so damn fearful, and thinks she’s going to die.  She’s talking funerals and is so angry.  And I am in tears, and rage.  

I need help.  I need SOMETHING, please God, something to happen that helps us, and doesn’t continue the slid of worse, worse, worse…

Dear heaven, universe, or anyone who can…  help, if you can.

Pray for us, if you pray.

If you’re an Aidan Gillen fan - please see if you can buy any of the Collection items I have left:  

http://xof1013.livejournal.com/226010.html 

If you go to Ebay - please see if any of these things are something you would buy:

http://www.ebay.com/sch/xofy/m.html?_nkw=&_armrs=1&_from=&_ipg=&_trksid=p3686

And if at all possible, in any way, if you could donate to helping me and my mom - I’m xof1013@gmail.com on paypal if you are able to gift.

I’m wretched in all this.  More than two years has worn me down.  I feel so much less of a person than I thought I was.  I haven’t got the right to feel embarrassed anymore about sharing this.  Or about asking.  It’s my only option at this point.  

I thank you, even if you can’t, for reading this.  For any kindness, I am grateful.  More than I can say…

And I’m so sorry.  I do not mean to cloud anyone’s day.  x

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